tmac2131

I went for a nice long walk by myself today. You should be proud of me. I guess I wanted to celebrate being done with IB tests forever by doing something to allow myself to clear my head so that this graduating soon thing can sink in a lido bit. It was a nice walk. I just started to walk around starting at the route that I ran wen I actually was in shape. Went around the block. Carefree. It was a nice walk. When I went down this hill, I saw a rock in the street. I kicked it. Thas how I felt about being done with this all, and still do feel that.

I feel like the rock that I kicked is like my future, rolling way ahead of me and out of my reach. But something comforted me. I always gapped the distance between me and the rock. (duh rite? Rocks don’t go on forever, rules of physics, etc etc lol.) so as I walked I remembered that despite all the chaos that is occurring in my life rite now, there WILL be order eventually, and I will be able to regain control, because I am just beginning to transition to a phase in my life in which there seems to be an endless uncertainty, because I have never experienced nething of the like.

It was nice to notice the woodpeckers and the murmuring of the river/creek thingy’s water as I walked that windy bikepath by myself. Nice to appreciate the things I couldn’t during the school year. But as I walked closer to home, my peace of mind slowly started to peel away like a monkey starting to eat a banana. The change was gradual. But later, I was overwhelmed with thoughts and fears of the future, and not knowing how to deal with them. That’s why im posting this rite now.

High school, and everything that orbits around is what has comforted me all 4 of these years: drama, friendships, homework, good times, IB, and walks with you, etc. It seems like these years were just one big season, divided by months and days on some ginormous calendar. They flew by so quickly. Cliché, but nonetheless so very true. No matter how monotonous or stressful it all may have been, it was comforting. Something I could always depend on to just BE there… Whether it was anticipating another crappy bio test, or looking forward to just hangin out in senior hall with my friends, high school was comforting. Now, I, like u and everyone else graduating, are slowly moving out of our comfort zone. Out of high school…

Though we may not know what to expect what is to become of us and the bonds that we have created, I realize that we should enjoy these last few days, as well as all of the wonderful memories that we have accumulated over the years. It seems so unreal that what other people have told me is true: “high school actually flies back pretty quick man, enjoy it while you can”. I could never have fathomed that their cliché prophesy would be so eerily precise. It sends chills down my spine. They were right.

There are plenty of things that I wish I had done like been able to join clubs or sports or w/e, but to be honest, with what I now have, I am happy with and limitlessly grateful for. And I wouldn’t change it at all, because I wouldn’t know how that small change would affect my “current situation” (that im happy with), like how a “the flap of a butterfly’s wings can cause a tsunami”, rite Plummer? Lol.

Despite my random feeling of being down all of a sudden, im trying to be relieved and enjoy the time that I have left with the people that mean most to me. You and I, actually, are quite lucky that we are done with IB exams. Others, not so much…but they’ll be relieved soon enough. Time is definitely running up. The sand of one hour glass is slowly pouring down and emptying on one side. The sand of a new and bigger hour glass is being supplied, in preparation of the next paths of our lives.

Let’s walk to these forks in the roads, leading to somewhere we don’t know, and cant know until we are at our destination. Fork in the road…ways part…new journeys begin…journey of a thousand miles…just one step...and then another…so on, so forth… but as we walk to this fork that will basically distance each other from one another, lets enjoy the straight and narrow path that we are currently walking on together… Inhale the warmth of our company. Embrace each other’s presence. Take pleasure in our old memories and those remaining b4 we go our separate ways. Love life. Live love. (I think I jus made up a quote that I can write down sweet). Haven’t done that since the year started. Things will be different now. It’ll change. But regardless of what the universe has in store for us and where we will end up, “carpe diem”. Carpe every diem until we have to pack our bags lol.

Thanks for introducing me to this LJ stuff Plummer. It’s made a difference for me. Even wen we’re on different paths, we can find some temporary crossroads thru LJ, email, etc to keep in touch.

well, the 2nd paper of english made me feel more comfortable than the first one, but i dont wana jinx myself and say i did awesum, and end up doin not so well. im relieved that we're done with one test, since we're gona b used to the ib test mode. im findin that im alido more anxious about history comin up on wed and thursday, because i feel like im a lido behind schedule on studying. but i gess i jus gota fix that and study more or sumin. i hope ur studyin ur butt off too. and dont ferget to review math. thas wut im doin this wknd, sumtime.....im not sure when tho lol. i also gota make invites fer my grad party wich u n lizzie are invited to. and do alido college stuff too. well, besides my great sense of relief im feelin alido tired (eryone is i think), so im gona sleep erly, wake up not so erly, and start studying. i will talk to u later quinn.

well, i jus got home from studying history with Dee after school. im perty exhuasted n unmotivated to study fer bio quiz. but im jus frustrated or bothered by how Erica is taking things rite now. i kno that she has a tight and busy schedule with softball and tryin to study fer these exams, but i jus wish i cud do sumin to make her relax and stop freakin out. it sux seein her like this, cuz shes usually really good at handling things wen time is tight and shes real busy. i gess im sayin that its kina scary to see her stress out like this, cuz she duznt get stressed really bad. maybe its comin to me as a shock that im not the one freakin out (cuz i usually am, lol). its like a weird role reversal.

i tried to study history with her to help her feel more confident but idk if thas really helpin her feel good about the history exam. and every time i bring up sumthing thas more than a few days away, she gets real upset thinkin that far. im frustratedt that wut im doin so far is helpin her out enuf, and that shes gona keep stressin out and that theres nuthin i cn do to help her until its jus all over. ne words of advice on how i shud handles this? how to make thigns easier fer her?

well, ive been kina stressed w me n erica's anniversary so close to prom. i exchanged my card fer her gift. but now i gota work on the last half of mine n get it to the press. i hope all goes well. i really wana blow her away n show her i still love her lots but im nervous since its an artsy project n im no where near artsy. hers was a pin on bulletin of all the memories we had and the places like senior hall court yard, locker, the good stuff. i cant believe that tiem is flyin by so quickly. im relieved its almost over but kina scared cuz i dont kno how to deal with it. i mean, it feels like so long goodbye is gona come around the corner soon, and all the peeple n memoriez will jus b sumin of the past. and im scared to transition the relationship with erica, almost as much as startin over n makin new frends in college. i havnt felt this nervous since goin into freshman year lol. and i wana try n have sum sorta plan fer me n erica to see each other at college, but i dont wana stress her and annoy her by thinkin too far in advance, she hates when i do that, since shes one of those, live it day by day kina folks. i think im gona hafta do that and bring it up eventually, jus like how im gona see her durin summer wen we're plannin to both have jobs, and my parents will prolly still b both dumb and try to stop us from seeing each other. o well. i gess ill save my energy fer the rest of the project as well as studyin fer the exams wich are creeping up.

its been so long since i last wrote an entry. i guess its cuz things are all crazy now. IB exams are comin round the corner. prom is comin up. i gotta figure out how to make this anniversary project for Erica perfect. i mean, i havent even told my parents about after prom and all that. its gona be fuckin crazy to let them unerstand that im goin out to breakfast w frends, after afterprom, and then to red rocks (apparently). God help me lol. i dont kno how im gona pull this off. today, erica wanted me to come over and dye easter eggs with her family. but since my life sucks and cuz my parents ruin everything, i cant come. shes real upset about it. this is one of those times where shes gona be all frustrated that my dumb parents wont let me do nething with her. bla bla bla, dont spend enuf time with her outside of school. and then i get angry that i cant do nething about bein asian and having asian parents as lame as mine. but i hope that this summer, things will change sumwhat. i think its gona b a hard road ahead, until im FINALLY IN COLLEGE. thas when thigns will be easier for me, in regards to my parents, but things mite change between me n erica since we cant talk that much or w/e wen in college. its still a while a way, but it scares me to think how we're gona work things out like seeing each other AMAP (as much as possible). but i gess, i gota make the best of what i have now, based on wut i can actually do. sumtiems it jus drives me insane how i cant do nething, and the only time i can do sumthign, is wen i have to lie to my parents and come up with intricately spun alabies that are hard fer me to keep straight. but i gess rite now, my life is dependent on lies. mebe its a lie to jus believe that things will get better this summer with me bein able to go out and hang with people and see erica. mebe its a lie to believe that things will get better with parents, and mebe i shud jus tear down this facade that i can be happy wen im with my parents. i jus wish there was another way, another possibility, another escape.

IMAGINE THIS. you are gona b goin to a birthday party on the weekend rite? u already told ur lame ass parents that you were gona go on a certain day at a certain time. on the day of, ur mom says b home b4 9 oclock. the party starts at 6ish. theres dinner and a movie. the movie starts at 8. do u leave the movie at 820 to get home b4 9? if u think this is lame, ur wrong. it FUCKING SUX. specially if this shit is expected of u every time u wana go out and it happens to u the FEW TIMES u actually get to go out. now does this sound like a fucked up life or wut? is there any freedom in it? do u see any? is it fair? and is it askin 2 much to do sumin on the wknd like ONCE A MONTH and b home b4 midnite? do u think i deserve (jus a lido bit) to enjoy and reward myself by hanging out with my friends every once in a while for workin my fuckin ass off every weekday of every week of every fuckin month of every year??? u mite not kno me 2 well, but lemme tell u this: im a nice guy (fer the most part). im a good person (for the... all of it part). and this is the crappy ass muther fuckin shit that i put up with every time i even walk past my parents, n especially my mom. n wen i dont come home like 3 hours after i left the house, my mom gets pissed at me, yells at me nonstop, and expects me to not raise my voice at all, and starts bringin up irrelevant shit jus to have an excuse to yell at me. its times like these wen i wish that i wud jus still b asleep the next morning, and not wake up at all b/c i kno that i will wake up to nothing more than dissappointment, frustration, anger, misunderstandings, arguing, yelling, confusion, and this seemingly endless and unchangeable MADNESS. so if u think this is sumthing that i should get over or simply ignore, talk to me and tell me y u are so f*ckin ignorant, cuz its not that easy. i mean it, no sarcasm or nuthin. chat, IM, message, comment me or w/e on y u think wut u think. also, if u are dumb enough to think that u can top this SHITHOLE of a life that i have to put up with from my parents, ill bet u $5 bux u cant. and if u can at least match me argument for argument, u mite jus b the winner of FIVE US DOLLARS!!! holy shit, u better get on that huh?